Eden Onpeng

Hey Victoria, you beautiful dumbass. You were two months away from graduation. You were almost free. But whenever I talked to you about moving into your own place, you would respond with, “Mom and dad won’t let me.”

I get it. You were scared. Mom and dad are controlling as fuck. And Mom is scary as fuck. Things would have gotten better, but you will never know now. You must have been in so much pain to make that decision. The future must have seemed so bleak, that the only way out was in an urn.

And now you’ve been pulverized into ash, and are likely sitting in our parents’ dark living room. I’m sure Mom cries over you a lot. I wonder if your ash form enjoys being at home, or if you would rather be elsewhere, free in the wind. I wonder if your fat cat Smokey recognizes that the box of ashes is really what’s left of her favorite human, or if she is still waiting for you to come home from college, so that she can snuggle with you on the couch again.

There is so much beauty in the world. From the gold of a sunrise to birds chirping among the trees, I remember you and all the beauty you can’t experience anymore, not because your time was up, but because you chose to end your time on earth.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t know at the time that Mom told you not to hang out with me, but I could have reached out to you more often. I should have been more frank with you about what she did. You must have felt so alone in your own experience. Our family was run by secrets and control and fear and guilt. And I abandoned you to deal with it on your own. I am so sorry.

I hope that wherever you are, you will have found peace.

I love you, and happy 22nd birthday, my sweet sister.